How to Survive the Holidays - Stepmom style

The holidays are here...so what do you do when you have a blended family?

I have four teens - yes, you read that right, four teens. Two are mine, two are my step-kids. My kids range from age 14 to 17. And, it can be crazy tough, and rewarding, and fantastic. I have been doing this thing for 5 years or so now. I am no expert, and certainly have no degree or training in terms of advice. But, I have learned a few things over the years. So, here goes: my top tips for surviving the holidays, stepmom style.

Be Flexible.

Whether you are a blended family, or stepped into a relationship with someone with kids, you likely have court ordered schedules to adhere to, or at least previously agreed to schedules. This probably also means that you share Christmas, and alternate Christmas day vs. Christmas Eve each year, and similarly alternate New Year's Eve. So, you get to share a rushed holiday which sees the kids (and you) rushing through presents so that they can be jetted to the other parents' house in time for Christmas there. At least, this is my experience and I have come to the conclusion that it sucks.

The greatest thing we did about this was to simply forget it. Now mind you, our kids are older and so we need not worry about the Santa thing but it has been the best thing ever! So, this year, we suggested that our exes get the kids on both Christmas Eve and Christmas day and we celebrated our Christmas earlier. Our kids had a chance to actually enjoy the holidays and relevant to my kids, see their extended family after two Covid Christmas seasons. We woke up to a magical easy Christmas morning in bed with a cup of coffee. It was just perfect! And, if you have a difficult ex, and are not adhering to the pre-ordained schedule, paper it in an email or text (just in case!).

Create your own Memories

This one goes with the above. Chances are that when you blended, or joined, you each came into the relationship with pre-conceived ideas of what the perfect holiday is. This is true of all couples, really, but is very hard when kids are involved, particularly if your special Christmas tradition steps on the toes of the ex's (for me, it means having to watch "Love Actually" with someone other than my step-daughter).

So, my advice is this: pick your battles. If you just have to make that special Christmas cookie recipe and want to share it with your step-kids, do it, but accept that they may complain it is different than their mom's special cookie recipe. If looking at Christmas lights is not your jam, but the ex loves it, let her have it! And you may have to participate in something new to you and special to your new partner.

I would also recommend that you take your cue from the kids! This is not to say that they get to rule the roost (believe me, our teens would be ecstatic if they could) but the holidays are about kids and family so if you need to massage your holiday tradition so that it works for everyone, do it!

Save Time for You

When I was a kid, my mom used to count to 10 when she was mad. I never really understood it until I was an adult with my own kids but now I see that she did this to calm herself before she lost her shiiiiiiiiit!

The holidays are stressful, particularly in a family that now has more than two parents. Take time for you, even if it means simply counting to 10.

Let Go

This one was the hardest one for me.

I came into my blended family with the idea that I could just recreate what I had done before...and, boy, was I wrong! Holding on to this almost destroyed me, and my new family. Just because you created your version of holiday magic before, does not mean that you can do it again with different kids and a different spouse, nor should you...and why would you want to? Create new memories, and let go of the idea that your new family should be similar to your old one, or be similar to that of your friends and family who are not divorced or blended. Sometimes something new is wonderful.